I'mAlreadyThere
Author’s Notes: Remember, this is FICTION. I’ve changed some things in the time table of BSB, but hey! It’s fiction! Please, just remember that :}
Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘em. Don’t know ‘em. Don’t sue me. It’s FICTION people! :}
I’m Already There
By: Refuse-2-Lose
Looking out of the window, Jerald Richardson sighed. The car behind his cab honked, then his driver turned to look at him impatiently, his rough face annoyed. Resignedly, Jerald nodded and withdrew his wallet to pay the man. He then got out of the taxi and walked to the back of the car as the trunk popped open. Without waiting for the taxi driver’s assistance, he reached in and snatched up his lone suitcase. He shoved the trunk shut and stood with his suitcase in his hand, watching as the taxi swiftly drove away.
Jerald stood on the curb for several moments, looking horribly alone in the world, before he turned to enter the motel. He quietly checked in and then went straight to his room, anxious to get settled. He unlocked and then pushed the door open, revealing the standard motel room of two small beds, a coffee machine, TV, and a lone window overlooking the wall of the next building.
Shaking his head, Jerald threw his suitcase on the closest bed and then went to the end table between the beds and the phone that rested on the smooth mahogany surface. He sat down on the bed, facing the window, and picked up the phone’s receiver. He placed it over his left ear as he dialed the familiar number, slightly impatient to hear the voices he so longed to hear.
“Hello?”
“Ann, sweetie, it’s me.”
“Jerald,” her voice sounded breathy with relief, “I was getting worried. You’re late.”
Jerald smiled sadly and rubbed his forehead, “Yeah, my joint flight was delayed and the traffic was bad. I just got into the room... So, how are you? You doin’ okay?”
“I’m all right,” she paused, “I could be better, though.”
Jerald sighed softly, “I know, I’m sorry. But you know I have to do this. We need the money, Ann.”
“I know,” she sighed, her voice soft with emotion, “But I miss you, darlin’. We all do. Kevin’s takin’ it the worst. You know how he worries. He asks for you everyday.... It’s hard to keep answering, ‘Dad’ll be home soon.’ over and over. We need you home, Jerald.”
Jerald closed his eyes at the mention of his youngest son, Kevin. The boy was only eleven and he walked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Kevin always felt responsible for what was happening around him, that he had to take care of everything. Jerald smiled and opened his eyes, Kevin had a big heart, “I want to be home, Ann, and I will be, as soon as I’m finished with this job. Tell Kevin and the rest of the kids I miss ‘em.”
“You can yourself, at least to Kevin,” Ann’s voice smiled, “He has a bit of a stomach flu and I made him stay home from school. You know how he is about being sick, he could have a temperature of a 102 degrees and he’d say he’s fine. You just hold on a sec and I’ll get him on the phone.”
“Ann, wait-” Jerald tried, but she had already set the phone down. Jerald rubbed his eyes, he didn’t think he could handle hearing his son’s voice. Jerald missed his family dreadfully. There wasn’t a moment that something didn’t remind him of them.
“Daddy?” came the hoarse voice.
Jerald squinted his eyes. Kevin must really be upset at his absence to call him ‘Daddy’. He had stopped that when he was seven, claiming he was too old for such a baby-like term. Jerald cleared his throat, “Yes, Kevin. It’s me... How’re you doin’? Mom told me you’re sick.”
“Aw,” scoffed Kevin, the scowl heard in his voice, “I’m fine, it ain’t nothin’ bad. I coulda went to school, I had a test today, too.”
Jerald shook his head and shifted his grip on the phone. Kevin was trying to grow up far too fast, “Well, if your mother thought it was bad enough, then it was. I want you to take it easy, you hear?”
“Yeah, Dad,” Kevin sighed, then was silent for a moment before asking in a hesitant voice, “You comin’ home?”
Jerald looked out the motel window, his voice steady, “No, son... not yet. I’ll be home soon though, okay?”
“When’s soon?” Kevin asked, his young voice rough, “Soon never seems to come, Dad. I- I want you home... Daddy, I want you-” Kevin broke off, and Jerald could tell he had lifted the receiver away from himself. Jerald knew his son was crying and he felt a tear fall from his own eye at what his leaving was doing to his son Kevin.
Kevin’s voice came back, a trace of a whine present from his tears, “Why can’t you be here?”
Jerald ran a hand through his hair and stared up at the ceiling, his heart hurting for his family and himself. He had to say something to put Kevin at ease until he returned, something he’d remember. Straightening, Jerald spoke to his distressed son, “Kevin, listen to me. I want you to remember this. Whenever you want me with you, remember what I’m about to say. Okay?”
Kevin hesitated, his voice sounding unsure, “Okay.”
“All right, Kevin. Now, listen,” Jerald took a deep breath and spoke from his heart, the words having a certain melody to them, “I'm already there. Take a look around... I'm the sunshine in your hair. I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind. I'm your imaginary friend, and I know I'm in your prayers... I'm already there.” Jerald waited a moment, then asked, “Can you remember that, Kevin?”
Kevin sniffed, “Yeah, Dad. I can remember it... I love you, Dad.”
Jerald's gaze was watery as he smiled, “I love you, too.”
~((( - () - )))~
Kevin’s worried green eyes were tired as they watched a small blond blur flash by him, soon followed by the larger blur of his cousin. Kevin smiled slightly. He couldn’t get over how Brian and Nick had linked together. They were five years in age difference and they still had become the best of best friends in only a matter of days.
Shaking his head, Kevin slowly got up from the bed he sat on and headed out the door of Nick and Brian’s room, planning on getting some peace and quiet in his own room. Walking down the hall, Kevin passed AJ and Howie’s room. He glanced in the open door to see them in the middle of one of their periodic bantering arguments. They were quite entertaining to listen to, as the duo knew exactly how to slam each other to get the right indignant responses. Kevin half smirked as he unlocked his room and pushed open the door. AJ and Howie had known each other for a long time, having always met up at talent competitions and auditions.
Kevin frowned as he shut his door and walked to his own bed, sitting down to look around at the silent, barren room. He suddenly shook his head and laid back on the bed, folding his arms behind his head as he stared at the ceiling. It was silly, really. Here he had four companions, friends... one of which was blood family, and he felt so alone.
It was, he decided, understandable. There was Nick and Brian, and there was Howie and AJ, and... then there was him. He was twenty years old now, and the age difference seemed to be a buffer between him and the others. He was, in a sense, the fifth wheel. Sure, he was friends with the others and all, but... he sometimes felt too mature for their pranks and jokes. He could be as immature as the rest of them, don’t get him wrong, but most of the time Kevin was the ever-present adult of the group. He was fine with that, he had always felt he needed to be taking care of something, which in this case was his four friends... to which he had begun relating to as brothers. Kevin just wished he didn’t feel so alone, he often thought of home when he felt like this. He wondered what was going on, how his family was doing...
Kevin closed his eyes. Hell, he was homesick. Why the hell was he homesick? That was Nick’s department, not his. Kevin being Kevin, he worried for his family being back in the US while he was thousands of miles away, in a different country. Kevin sighed. He missed them, especially his dad.
Kevin frowned and opened his eyes, his vision blurry with a sheen of tears. He and his dad hadn’t been on the best of terms ever since he had left home to go to college in Florida, to which he even worked at Disney for extra money. Kevin had wanted to pay his own way, he didn’t want to rely on his family. Kevin’s dad hadn’t seen why he couldn’t just find a college in Kentucky. He didn’t understand that Kevin needed to get out on his own. Then Kevin had suddenly found himself foregoing college and joining a group of three young men, boys really, to be a vocal group. He then roped his cousin into the group, half out of the knowledge that Brian would jump at the chance and half out of the need to not be alone in his brash career choice. Kevin’s father had understood that even less.
Kevin sniffed as he removed one of his hands from behind his head to rake it across his eyes. Now his dad was sick. Cancer. Kevin shut his eyes. He could have throttled management. He had to continue the overseas tour, no buts about it. So, here Kevin sat, worried sick over his sick father. It was still the beginning stages of the cancer, but his dad was fading fast. Kevin wished it wasn’t so. He wished his dad was well, and that his dad was proud of him and his music instead of disappointed. He wished his dad was here with him right now, to share his dream with his father, to have him understand.
Kevin blinked open his eyes, his gaze veering to the beige telephone on the night stand. He simply stared at it for the longest time, then slowly pushed himself up to a sitting position, his back leaning against the wall. He reached out and picked up the receiver, holding it in his lap for a few seconds before placing it over his right ear. Slowly, he used his other hand to dial the unfamiliar number.
He waited nervously for the line to pick up, jumping at the woman’s nasal voice, “Community General Hospital, front desk. How may I help you?”
Kevin swallowed, “I’d like to speak to Jerald Richardson, floor 6, room 219.”
“Just a moment, please.”
Kevin stared out his hotel window, unconsciously worrying his bottom lip. He jumped again at a deep rough, strained voice.
“Hello?”
Kevin tried to talk, but nothing came out.
“Hello? Anyone there?”
Kevin painfully cleared his throat, “Hey, Dad.”
“...Kevin?” croaked Jerald's surprised voice.
Kevin smiled sadly, working around the lump forming in his throat, “Yeah, Dad. You doin’ okay?”
“I’m fine,” Jerald brushed the question aside, “Are you okay? There’s nothin’ wrong, is there? You need anything?”
“Nah,” Kevin sighed, “I... I just wanted to see how you were. I’m sorry I’m not there... ... ...I worry about you. I almost wish you were here instead, with me... I- I guess I miss you, Dad.”
There was silence for a few moments, then Jerald spoke in a hoarse voice, “You don’t have to be sorry, son. I know you want to be here with me. And... I want you to know that... I understand why your doing what your doing, Kevin. It’s your dream. I- I just didn’t like to see you go... ...I’m proud of you, Kevin.”
Kevin felt a tear break away from his eye to slide down his cheek, “Somehow, I think I always knew that, Dad. It was just easier to leave if I ignored it. But, God... I wish you were here with me and not- ...not stuck in some damn hospital with cancer. I don’t want you to die, Dad. I want you here with me...” Kevin barely suppressed a sob as he blinked the now abundant tears away, “I don’t want you to die, Daddy...”
Jerald listened as his twenty year old son cried for him and was taken back in time to a similar phone call. He knew Kevin well enough to know how he functioned. Kevin would take responsibility for his illness as well as his death. Jerald didn’t know if Kevin could withstand the guilt his heart would carry, guilt his son didn’t deserve. Jerald certainly didn’t want to die, but he also didn’t want his son to live a life of false guilt over a father’s death that he could never be responsible for. He remembered the words he had spoken to his eleven year old son and put them to use once more, he had to ease his son’s pain.
“Kevin,” Jerald spoke as firmly as he could, “I want you to listen to me. I’ve said this before, and you seem to have forgotten. Please, remember,” Jerald took a deep breath and ignored the aches in his worn body as he spoke the melodious words, “Kevin, I'm already there. Don't make a sound. I'm the beat in your heart. I'm the moonlight shining down. I'm the whisper in the wind, and I'll be there until the end... Can you feel the love that we share... I'm already there.”
Kevin wiped his eyes and took in his father’s words, remembering that time long ago when he longed for his dad’s presence. He hadn’t forgotten. Kevin just wanted to hear the words from his father, to listen to his steady voice. Kevin leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
Jerald's vision blurred, tears soon sliding slowly down his pale face, “We may be a thousand miles apart, but I'll be with you wherever you are... Remember that always, Kevin.”
Kevin let out a long, shaky breath, “I remember, Dad. I- I just... I just needed to hear you say it. I’ll never forget... I love you, Dad. I always will, forever.”
Jerald's watery eyes twinkled as he smiled, love for his son warming his heart, “I love you too, Kevin. Always.”
~((( - () - )))~
Kevin walked beside his mother. His family and friends surrounding him, the entire throng of people in solemn silence. As they arrived at the grave, Kevin’s pained green eyes stared at the casket that would be lowered into the earth.
His father was gone.
It had happened so fast. It was only several months ago that he had had that phone call with him, it was just too fast. He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder as the minister began his final words, his green eyes looking over to see Brian’s supportive and sad face. Kevin gave him a small smile and glanced over at AJ, Howie, and Nick. It was good to have them there. It wouldn’t have been right if they weren’t. His eyes returning to his father’s final resting place, Kevin wrapped an arm around his mother’s slight frame, pulling her close to his side to comfort her as well as himself.
His father was gone.
Could he ever get used to that? His dad was gone, was no longer with him. He’d never hear his voice or see his face again. All Kevin now had was his memories. He would never forget any of them, for as long as he breathed he wouldn’t forget. Kevin barely noticed as the minister closed his book, but he did know what he was to do next.
Kevin lifted the single red rose he held in his free hand, twirling it slowly before his face. He waited as his family and friends stepped forward to leave their roses atop his father’s casket, saying their final words as they stepped away. The only ones now left were he and his mother. Slowly, Kevin guided his mother forward and let her place her bouquet of roses on her husband’s casket. Kevin felt her tremble and tightened his supportive grip about her shoulders.
Reaching forward, Kevin gently laid his single rose on his dad’s casket. The tears he had held back broke free from his eyes and slid down his face as he whispered his words, “I love you, Dad. Always.”
He and his mother returned to their previous spot and listened to the last of the funeral service. As the minister gave his regards to his mother and the rest of his family, people began to break away and return to their vehicles to drive to their house to pay their last respects to his family. Kevin felt Nick, Brian, Howie, and AJ’s worried eyes on him as they slowly walked away, but he had something yet to do for his father, and himself, before he could leave. Something he had to do alone.
Kevin gave his mom a squeeze, “You go on, Mom. I’ll be along in a few minutes. I- I just need to do something.”
Ann turned her tear streaked face up to look at her son, “All right, darlin’. I understand. I’ll wait for you at the car...” Ann reached up to kiss him on the cheek, “We’ll be okay, sweetie.”
Kevin gave her a weak smile and watched her walk with the others to the cars. Slowly, Kevin turned back to the grave. He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat, “I swear, Dad, I’ll never forget.”
Taking a deep breath, Kevin recited the words his father had spoken to him. Kevin knew his father wasn’t ever really gone, not so long as he remembered, “I'm already there. Take a look around... I'm the sunshine in your hair. I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind, and I'll be there until the end... Can you feel the love that we share... ...Oh, I'm already there.”
Kevin blinked rapidly as his vision blurred, “Oh, I'm already...”
Kevin’s liquid gaze lifted to the cloudless sky above, his voice trailing off in a whisper as he brought his hand to his chest. He gripped his hand into a fist as he pressed it heavily against his heart.
“...There.”
The end.
Sung by: Lonestar, CD: I’m Already There
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